Cauterize and Bruise
by Between The Clouds
Summary: Nate wanted a lot of things. He wanted to be useful. He wanted to be somebody special. But most of all, he wanted his friends back. Title is from Motion City Soundtrack- I Fell In Love Without You.


Nate Archibald would like to tell you that he could light up an entire room with his smile.

No, that was Serena. Serena with her bubbly personality and laughter. If you heard it once, you would never forget it. She would be etched into your brain forever. Serena van der Woodsen is unsure of almost everything (but not as unsure as Nate). The one thing she is sure of are her friends. There is no length she wouldn't go to protect you, even if she ran away at first. Yes, she is constantly making mistakes, but she is loyal and true, and Nate loves her.

Nate Archibald would like to tell you that he could charm you into bed with his witty one-liners.

No, that was Chuck. Chuck with his perverted smirk and his dark demeanor that held something more underneath. It was a great feat to get Chuck Bass to trust you; let you in. However, once you were in he'd never let you go. Sometimes that was more of a disadvantage than an advantage. He made more mistakes than Serena, darker and more sinister mistakes. He would take your friendship for granted and ruin you. Chuck always seemed to desperately cling to a small shred of hope that everything would turn out okay, no matter how much he fucked up. Yet he always wants to protect you and he makes you feel safe (he is dangerous, but he wants to keep you safe, he _does_, he _does_), and Nate loves him.

Nate Archibald would like to tell you that he could achieve excellent grades while remaining super popular on top of a million extra-curricular activities.

No, that was Blair. Blair with her colourful headbands and teasing grin. She had a set of fake friends and a set of real friends. Her fake friends were just to help Blair's façade. Nate had never understood why she showed off a cheap imitation of herself when the real Blair Waldorf was so much better. Hell, Blair probably never even realized Nate saw through her façade. For some reason, that frustrated him to no end. Blair could do and say nasty things, but when you needed somebody to help fight your demons, she was there, brandishing her sword of salvation. A lot of people thought Blair was bitchy, but Nate _knew_ she was bitchy, yet lovely at the same time, and Nate loves her.

So what was_ Nate_ good at? Being confused. Being pretty. Blending into the background. Having about as much personality as Chuck's toothbrush. Out of all Nate's friends, he was the one everybody could do without. He could be easily replaced- no, he was _already_ being replaced. His friend Dan Humphrey was getting closer and closer to the Upper East Side while Nate was being pushed out. Nate lost his virginity to Serena and fell for her, but then Dan had to do it too. Nate was Blair's reliable and trustworthy friend and maybe/always/possibly/never again something more, but Dan just had to decide to let himself in Blair's life. These days Blair saw much more of Dan than Nate, and he'd never tell, but it pissed him off for some reason. In the span of just over a year, Dan learned Chuck darkest secret that took Nate ten years to learn. It wasn't unreasonable that Chuck and Dan start to develop a friendship deeper than Nate was capable of. It was only a matter of time until Dan took Chuck away too. Dan was taking everything away just by being Dan. It wasn't fair.

Nate was deep in thought as he and Chuck walked along the streets of New York. Chuck was talking about Raina what's-her-name and Nate was think about other things, adding "yeah", "I totally agree", and "that's great" at the appropriate times. Usually it was Nate who rambled on about things, but for some reason Chuck really wanted to talk (and talk and talk). So Nate let him, pretending to be interested.

"Everything seems to be going smoothly. We'll be occupying the suite tonight, just so you'll be prepared, Nathaniel. She's smarter than I originally gave her credit for. She just may prove to be a force to be reckoned with." Chuck continued, wondering why Nate was so quiet.

"That's really interesting, Chuck." Nate absently answered, only catching a word here and there. Not noticing Chuck's look of annoyance, Nate continued walking. He didn't care about Raina and he just wanted everything to back to the way it was. Where they were all honestly happy.

Just then, two men came out of nowhere and stood in front of the two friends. "Stop where you are, or you'll be sorry." One man sneered. Nate's eyes widened as he saw a metal object one man was holding which reflected the Sun's light. Shit! He had a knife on him!

Meanwhile, Chuck just stood there in complete shock. He never mentioned it or acted like it bothered him, but ever since that night in Prague, he was terrified of muggers. He had hoped to never see any ever again. Of course, history has a habit of repeating itself in the worst possible ways and in the worst possible time. All he wanted to do was run away, but his feet wouldn't move!

Glancing at the billionaire's face, Nate knew that Chuck wasn't going to do anything. He was frozen in terror. It was up to Nate to get them out of this predicament. The blonde's pulse quickened in excitement as he realized this was his chance to be useful. As the man with the knife approached Chuck and roughly grabbed his collar, Nate stepped between them. "Hey, it's me you want. You think this guy has cash? Nope, not a chance. I, on the other hand, am loaded. Just get your hands off of him and we can come to an agreement." Nate cajoled, praying that the man didn't know he was holding Chuck Bass the billionaire.

The man only ignored Nate and continued threatening a petrified Chuck. Nate's blood boiled in rage. He grabbed the mugger, pulling him off of Chuck. "Didn't you hear what I said? Don't. Fucking. Touch. My. Best. Friend!" Nate wrestled with the knife, but the criminal stabbed him in the stomach. The solar plexus, to be exact. As Chuck watched Nate stagger back, falling to the ground, he snapped back to reality.

"Nate!" Chuck ran to his side, holding the man's head in his hands. Nate's pupils were dilated and blood was pooling out of the wound in his stomach. _Every aching wound, will cauterize and bruise. _The mugger moved to stab Chuck as well, but a bystander screamed and pulled out his cell phone. They decided to take the smarter route, fleeing the crime scene and leaving the two guys to pick up the pieces.

"Come on man, you have to get up!" Chuck urged. "I'm sorry, I'm so sorry. But you have to get up right now!"

His comrade managed a weak smile. "It's not your fault that you're a mugger-magnet, dude." He shifted slightly, wincing in pain. "Uh, it would be a good idea if you called for an ambulance."

Chuck abruptly stood up. "Right." As he made the phone call, he turned away from the bloodied Nate. He couldn't handle looking at him like this. This wasn't the way things were supposed to turn out. It could have all been so different. What went wrong?

The sky was blue; there wasn't a cloud in sight. Nate lay flat on his back, trying to breathe. It hurt. Everything hurt. Nate wanted the pain to stop, but instead he swallowed painfully and waited for Chuck to click his phone shut and sit down next to him. When he did, Nate spoke up.

"Hey, man, remember the winter I found out about you and Blair?"

Chuck sat next to Nate legs, leaning on them ever so slightly. At the sound of Nate's voice he sighed. "Yeah, I remember."

Nate briefly closed his eyes. "That was the worst winter of my entire life. I seen you in the courtyard and in school, and I wanted to tell you about my dad and how my lacrosse team is doing. I wanted to tell you that I felt so lonely without you to hang out with or to share a joint with. I just wanted to talk to you, but I didn't. I don't really _regret_ it, but if I could do if differently I would have said, 'Dude, you lied to me and went behind my back, but it's okay. You wouldn't have done that if you didn't care about her. If she wants you, you can have her.'"

The other man stared at him incredulously. "I thought you said I didn't deserve Blair? You said I didn't deserve anybody."

"I don't know what's going on these days, but back then you two deserved each other. You deserved somebody who would understand you and accept you for who you are. Now it's a hell of a lot more complicated. We all seem to be the worst possible versions of ourselves, but we can get better. If we just stay together and never give up on each other, we can all get past this. One day we'll be the best versions of ourselves again. We're the Non-Judging Breakfast Club!" Nate grinned. Chuck grinned as well.

"Why, Nathaniel, we haven't used that name in years. It certainly brings back old memories." However, his smile vanished instantly as he noticed the red stain appearing on his pants. "Nate! Nate, are you okay, man? Say something!" Chuck shouted, growing more hysterical with each passing second.

While leaning over Nate, Chuck obscured the perfect blue sky from Nate's vision. "Don't die on me, okay? Whatever you do, don't die!"

"I'm sorry, Chuck."

"Don't apologize! Just don't die!"

The golden boy was silent. Chuck took the silence to mean something was very, very wrong. "Come on, Nate! What's all that bullshit about becoming the best versions of ourselves if you're going to die on me? I never thanked you for saving my life yet, so thank you. But don't you realize that I wasn't worth it? I'm so fucking sorry for everything I've ever put you through, but in the process of saving a worthless asshole, you prevented yourself from becoming the better person you've always dreamed of becoming."

Chuck never called him Nate unless he was desperate. A small smile touched Nate's lips as he whispered, "Don't be stupid. I became the best version of myself when I saved you. I-I wasn't always a very good friend, or even a very good person. This is my redemption. Chuck, I couldn't live anymore if anything had happened to you. You're my best friend, and I would die before watching you get hurt." Which just happened to be exactly what he was doing.

Nate blinked when he felt droplets of water splash on his face. If he didn't know better, he'd think that Chuck was crying. But Chuck didn't cry. In the fifteen years Nate had known him, Chuck Bass did not cry. Chuck Bass especially did not cry for Nate. So why were both their faces getting soaked with tears?

"It's weird, but when I think back to the old days, I can't help but notice we grew apart. We used to be inseparable, but as time passed, we found new friends to spill our hearts to. Even after we moved in together, it still wasn't the same. If this is what growing up is, then I hate it. Even so, I kind of feel sad thinking that I won't be doing it anymore." He stared back at Chuck, tears of his own forming in his eyes. "I haven't felt this close to you in ages, man. If dying means I've got you back for a few more minutes, it doesn't seem so bad."

The brunette didn't say anything for a while. He busied himself trying to patch up Nate. Why wasn't the ambulance here yet? He had ripped his Armani jacket (okay, he cut it with scissors) and applied it to Nate's wound, hoping to stop or at least slow down the bleeding.

"Chuck…" Nate rasped out, looking into the other man's deep brown eyes. "T-tell Serena and Blair and- and the others that I love them. While you're at it… You should tell them you love them also. Okay?"

Overcome with bottled-up emotions, Chuck only nodded. He desperately wished that the tears would stop, but they kept trickling down his face nonetheless. They weren't waterfalls, but they were genuine tears. It had been so long, but once they came, they just wouldn't go away.

Nate smiled, pulling up an arm to pat Chuck on the shoulder. It was such an effort, Chuck barely felt his best friend's touch. "That's my boy." His body felt heavy, and it felt like ten thousand needles were jabbing at him simultaneously. Chuck's face was gradually being replaced with black spots. Nate let his arm fall to his side then. This was it. This was really the end. _So this is what it feels like to die, _Nate thought. By this time Chuck was roughly grabbing his shoulders, begging him to open his eyes, the ambulance was on its way…

He was still smiling as he closed his beautiful blue eyes for the last time. "See you later, man." Nate mumbled to his best friend; his brother. It would be the last thing Nate Archibald ever said.

For a long time, Chuck had been a whirlwind of emotions. There had always been somebody to blame, there had always been an escape. But now, as Chuck sat in Nate's blood, still trying to stop the tears, he felt only one emotion: pure and complete anguish.

Eventually, he stood out and slowly took his cell phone out of his pocket. Thank god Blair was on speed dial. Her phone rang twice before she picked it up.

"Hey, Chuck. What's up?" Blair answered cheerily. The cheer left her voice once she heard Chuck's muffled reply.

"You need to get Serena and go to the hospital: the closest one. It's Nate."

Blair's sparkling brown eyes widened. "Why? What happened? Is he okay?" His reply was barely audible.

"No."

"We'll be there as soon as we can!" Blair promised, clicking her phone shut and calling to Serena, who was in the other room.

Nate was pronounced dead on arrival twenty minutes later. Chuck, Blair, and Serena were in the waiting room. When the doctor came to greet them with undesirable news, here was complete silence. Then the universe was pierced with a heart-wrenching wail from Serena. Blair could only stand there, not believing anything anymore. Her face was drenched with tears as her body wracked with sobs long before she noticed. Chuck still wept a few bitter tears, but by the time their family and friends came, his tears were long gone. He decided to relay the message to each and every one of them that Nate loved them. A few minutes later, he swallowed his pride and told a select few that he also loved them. He only wished Nate could have seen him. He would have been proud.

A week had passed since then. Many respectable people from the Upper East Side came to the funeral, in addition to a few middle class Brooklynites. Perhaps a better way to describe the mass of people gathered was to say "friends and family of the recently deceased". That was how the minister greeted them, at least. Sitting in the pews were the Archibalds (Anne sobbed into her husband's chest), the van der Woodsens/Humphreys (Lily and Rufus looked upset, Eric sat quietly, Jenny cried, a depressed Dan tried to comfort her), Vanessa (she had no more tears left to cry; not that she had many to begin with), Dorota (she knew Nate since he was little and wept for him), Arthur (he remembered all those nights in the limo and silently mourned the boy's loss), and Nate's old lacrosse team (they strongly smelled of pot, but nobody mentioned it). Sitting in the front pew were the remaining members of the Non-Judging Breakfast Club. Blair and Chuck wore black, but Serena opted for a dark blue instead. They sat close to the front so they could recite their eulogies.

On the day of the funeral, Chuck shed no more tears. His face said enough already. He tapped the microphone, waiting for silence. Once the room was as quiet as it was going to get, he cleared his throat and began. "Nate Archibald was a kind, gentle, and caring guy whose thoughts were often lost on others, including me. He was always a pretty confused dude, but when it came to his friends, he wasn't like that. Contrary to popular belief, he wasn't stupid. He knew us more than we were led to believe, and he saved my life. More than once, but last week was the most literal example of it. From the moment five-year-old Nate gave me his brand-new bow tie on the first day of kindergarten, before I gave him one of my socks, I knew he was going to be my best friend." He looked down for a moment as quiet laughter was heard around the room. "I guess the thing I can't stop thinking about is that Nathaniel was supposed to be my best man at my wedding. I was supposed to be the best man at his. I know it seems like a trivial matter, considering my best friend is dead, but… it's supposed to be the most important day of your life, and you want your best friend there to share it with." Chuck sighed, yanking a hand through his dark hair. "If I ever get married," his eyes locked with Blair's for a single instant, "then I think Nathaniel will still be my best man. No matter who is standing in place of him, it will always be Nate. Nate… Y'know, he hated it when I called him Nathaniel, which was most of the time. I did it just to piss him off. Maybe if I just called him Nate more…" His voice cracked at that last line, and he gathered his papers and left the podium. "Thank you." He said, to nobody in particular.

As Blair shuffled up to the podium, she passed Chuck and gave his shoulder a reassuring squeeze. They stood together in silence for a few moments, but then Chuck walked back to the pews and Blair stepped up to the podium. After a shaky breath, she opened her mouth and began. "I'm not the type of person to openly admit my feelings, but just for today I'm putting my heart on my sleeve. Nate was my first crush, my first love. When I was little I dreamed that he was perfect prince, but he isn't. A week ago I leaned that he was really a white knight destined to save the dark prince. He has faults, but they only accentuate his strengths. Ever since I was five I knew Nate to be a sweet guy who would listen to my problems and put his trust in me. He showed me how to love. Even though it wasn't always the easiest path, we both made it through alive." She let out a strangled sob. "Just because I don't love Nate the same way I used to doesn't mean I still don't love him, and it doesn't make that love any weaker or less significant. He's still one of my best friends, and I still need him. I-I'll never, _ever_ stop needing him. I don't know what I'd do without Nate in my life, and I never thought I'd have to make a decision. Nate's one of those guy's who just always _there_, you know? No matter what happened, Nate would always come through eventually. He's a gentleman. No matter how many days go by, I'll always miss Nate. Always have, always will."

Finally, it was Serena's turn to speak. Staring at the people watching her, she bit her lower lip to keep from losing complete control of herself. "I don't think there are any words to describe what it feels like to look at one of your closest friend and know that he'll never look back at you again. This can't be happening, but it is. I remember Nate said I was the light, but I don't think that's true. If I'm the light, then why does it feel so dark without him? I went out with Nate for a while, but thinking back, I guess that tainted what we shared. Our relationship cheapened our friendship. I took way too long to realize that we're so much better as friends. I hurt Nate because of my own stupidity. How can I make everything better now? It's too late! Nate's dead!" Serena paused, sniffling. "Life just rushes you by. There are things you mean to say but don't ever get around to saying them because you think you have all the time in the world. Until last week, I thought so too. I wish so, so, much that I could say them to him now. The words that follow aren't my own. They're off of a very popular T.V. show Grey's Anatomy. Nate and I used to watch it sometimes, on rainy days, sometimes even sunny days." Through her tears, Serena's voice became stronger. "I love you. I don't ever want to live without you. You changed my life, Nate Archibald."

Hours after the funeral ended, the four members of the Non-Judging Breakfast Club hung around the cemetery. Three of them stood on the grass and one of them was six feet under. This time they promised to become the best versions of themselves for real. They would stumble, they would fall, they would get bruises, and each and every time, they would help each other up.

The End.

**Disclaimer: **I don't own any of the characters of Gossip Girl. Trust me, that a blessing in disguise.

**Author's Note: **So, I killed Nate. Yet I love him dearly. That was my first non-anime fanfiction! I read this one fanfiction that was written back in season 1 about how Nate was jealous of Dan. I owe that person the inspiration for writing the Dan paragraph! I'm thinking of writing another story about the NJBC V.S. Brooklyn. The writers have only scratched the surface of that story. Read and review, or I WILL find out!


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